Sand · is · overrated

now everyone really does have to listen to me bc if not they will be going against the advice of a qualified health professional and now who would really want to do that??

Today I found out I made the biggest accomplishment of my life and passed the crc exam. 3 weeks after lauren died and my life was turned upside down. I had these plans to study for months in advance (or atleast feb) and of course this didnt go as planned. but with a lil helper and hours on end at wegmans with mbwana I fucking did it and now I have accomplished everything I have set out to pass. And I find it funny I had a dream about Lauren last night, and havent had one in awhile. Because I knew if I passed it would be with her help. And she helped me, and I did it. And I just wanna cry because I have now gotten back everything I lost or worried I had lost.. except of course one very important person. I miss you LC.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this suckssssssssssssssss. what a sad breakup. ive lost 2 of my best friends in 3 months. if you woulda told me in january that next month lauren was gonna die and 2 months later me and greg were gonna break up i woulda laughed your sorry ass off the block. but ive really realized how this is in a way unconventional because we got together knowing we were kinda doomed from the beginning because we are at different places in our lives and are opposites and yeah opposites attract but it may end up blowing up in your face eventually. we were in a similiar sitation, i had said goodbye to 2 of my best friends recently and he had left and entire group of friends in utica. and we were like, on our own without many friends, yet happier than we were before. however there was a level of closeness of friendship and love and affection that was lacking in both of our lives and we filled that void and that need. and he gave me a place to sleep when i got robbed so i could finish my semester. and he never had to take the bus to work again. and he helped me and lauren and jen move to argus (and then OFF argus) and i bought him things and shit. god my heart aches to go back to the first couple months. even the first month. but i know thats how it always goes. its just so sad to know you have to break up with someone you still love and someone you will always love. i just hate that i feel like i lost my best friend. and im tired of crying. and im tired of losing people. and im just tired. and this friday is my big day, my biggest accomplishment of my LIFE is 2 short days away. and it's clouded by sadness now. i hope bad things come in 3, cos that's the third with a fucking bullet. the main thing i see from this, that is good, is now i am done blaming lauren for this. because this is not our fault this is a failed relationship that is no ones fault. i feel like i am getting close to acceptance bc im moving beyond blame, anger, and denial. UGH. UGHGBHGAHGAUGJ.

PS TWITTER is for fucktards. livejournal 4e

I said.. fuck this relationship, and the crying and the heightening of the anxiety and the depression that came from his silence and distance. because I will tell you what i DONT need and what i CANT handle.. and that my friend, is silence, and distance.

and so i said goodbye

and somehow i feel better than i did before. cos im tired of fucking crying. and im tired of blaming lauren for the demise of my relationship. and i hung on to it for dear life because he was my first real relationship i suppose, and because i have a problem going 4 days without getting laid. but i will have to put my virgin days to good use and say sex? what? what is that. I dont care about that. and the thought of that makes me cry harder than losing my best friend. im just kidding. but i cant fucking do this anymore. and im stronger and better than that. i should switch gregs. i hope he wakes the fuck up and sees what he let go. I just wont cry anymore. and suffer silently, and alone. I cant do this shit alone anymore. And blaming Lauren only keeps me in anger, and denial. I need to accept she's gone forever. And I need to be free of the things holding me back and holding me down. Cos Im fuckin done dude. fucking done.

I dont trust anyone I've met in the past year. Yep. That's pretty much it.

This is my life: my supervisor makes me lead early recognition phase one group therapy on the grief and loss process. so here we go... I am bouncing in between phases 3,4, and 5, bargaining, anger, and depression.. all day everyday. Leading group therapy on the subject I am IN therapy for. Uhhhhhhhh? I dont want the constant thought of death to be such an avid part of my life anymore. I'm so sick of it. I miss being naive like 2 years ago when my biggest problem was being the only virgin left and not having a boyfriend. I was such a dumbass! Lauren if you are around I'm not really mad at you, at the core. But somewhere in reality I am, and I'm sorry for that. I just wish you wouldn't have left me and I wish I could remember your LIFE again because all I remember is that day. I want to be done talking about it for good now. I want acceptance. But I have NO IDEA how to actually get there.

and another thing i thought of recently... how lucky we are to say goodbye to some of the people we lose in our lives. How lucky we are to spend last moments with our grandparents, aunts, uncles, one day our mothers and fathers. And what a darkness there is to not getting a chance to say goodbye... or the lack of a note in this case. I really love Gregs sister. She is very wise. I feel like if my sister Tiffany had been an avid part of my life growing up, I would be way less of a spoiled little bitch. I bet I'd be a little stronger, a little more mature, or atleast trying to strive for that instead of somehow contenting my mind to be okay with the fact I am an immature bitch at times. I wish my sister was around. I need a sister in my life. I wish she was here right now, more than anyone else in this world.

why do i listen to music that makes me cry then while its making me cry i continue to listen to it. fuck this shit!

I have been struggling so much with Laurens death, and have felt complete trauma on top of things because I found her. Ive been feeling absolutely nothing positive from her death since it happened, feeling no comfort in her in an afterlife, feeling barely any comfort from the church service. However, I believe she was with me today. I have no idea how I moved out of that house today, but me, mom, dad, and greg got it completely done. I never thought I would have the strength to completely pack my life up (and if you know me you know I never throw anything away and have accumulated WAY TO MANY THINGS, I blame this one on allen shelton lol), but I know she was there today. I was even able to go into the bathroom and say goodbye to her myself, I know she heard it. I miss her so much, am SO INFURIATED her parents deleted her facebook, and know that tomorrow it is possible I will wake up crying and feel random and inexplicable grief emotions at the drop of a hat. But for today I feel better. I appreciate how precious life is for the first time in my life, but wish the reality of how short life can be wasn't presented to me in the death of a dear friend. I felt as if Lauren came into my life as an angel, randomly messaging Melissa on roommates.com when we needed her the most. I wish with all my might I could go back in time and see the warning signs, but how could I have? They were hidden. I feel sometimes like I lived with her for so long, I should have known. But none of us did. I gave her everything I could, and I have always been regretful for how I have treated or acted to my past roommates. I felt those downfalls taught me things that which I was able to use with Lauren to avoid fights and painful roommate situations. Truthfully we never got in one fight. Things were a little distant in her last months, but I understand now she was struggling so much she was not able to be emotionally available. I wish I had understood that then. She was truly a wonderful and beautiful person. I wish I would have told her how much I loved her and appreciated her in my life everyday. But I think she knew. I miss her so much and she never leaves my mind.

When is the pain going to stop.
How could this happen?
HOW.
How did I never know.

My internship is my dream job. I feel like I'm being trained for the actual job right now. Got thrown into a counseling session today not thinking I was going to do it for awhile but it felt natural right away, I didn't have enough time to over think the situation, and it rolled. It's always easier when the client is an easier one especially if they are willing to talk which he totally was. Basically if my supervisor gets into the 2 doctorate programs he's applied for (which he will) there's a really good chance I could get his job unless I don't get certified bc they may want a CRC. I would have to pay back my scholarship like a loan but I dont give a fuccccckkkk. I went to juvenile drug court and sat up front with the counselors, caseload managers, education reps, DA and the judge o lockport himself. They have instant piss test that shows if it's dirty automatically. I have been tempted to steal breathalizers bahaha. Drug court gives an alternative for ppl with drug related arrests to just rot in jail. Here they get into an outpatient program and as long as they don't completely fuck up time after time after time pissing dirty and lying about it they can stay out of jail or at least avoid jail depending on their ability to not use, which in so many cases is going to be a couple relapses or just holding off until they can graduate from the program and then they just end up using again come in a year later, the vicious cycle. But I really like it because it gives people a chance to get help to go through therapy and group counseling and gives them a chance to get clean with the help of a treatment team instead of jail where the COs just sell the fucks drugs anyway and they get deeper into their own hell than they were before when the drugs were the fix that worked to feel better in that moment. I guess I have always been worried about the level of burn out any area in my field would cause, except maybe if I got my doctorate and had my own practice was my own boss made 100k a year. Everyone at my internship is funny and cool they have good camaraderie with each other, they crack me the fuck up. I feel like maybe if you get into the right foundation the burnout rate is less. Which is why I shouldn't have taken that stupid ass scholarship because I have no interest in working for the state. After what my classmates are saying about their experiences at VESID and the VA.. fuck that shit. I also refuse the DDSO I went there to get fingerprinted and I was creeped the fuck out for some reason like ghosts were seeping in and out of my body. Word. Yeah so drug court was the coolest experience I have had in a long time. Like it blew my mind how I scored this internship and am doing and able to see things people have to work their asses off and compete with each other to even get these kinds of placements. I would kill to work there... I think addictions is the field I should be in. I can say this bc I don't participate in the activities I did while I was at Stutzman where I felt all that dissonance the entirety of my field work and practicum. Everything really does happen for a reason. I wanna be the next mother fucking Dr. Drew Pinksy. It's just a population of people that amaze me, each and every case. And the combination of cognitive behavioral therapy with the detective work and investigation of their histories with treatment plans and really just viewing it in holistic point of view makes the field so interesting as well as rewarding.

That last entry sounded a little on the snotty side... So I got this scholarship aka a laaaarge check in the mail and for some reason I think this means I can just spend tons of money. But like, I used to have a lot of fucking crazy body issues (probably because I gained a massive amount of weight in undergrad) so now that I actually shop and enjoy clothes and the different shapes of clothes and different fabrics and how they feel and what they do as far as sight goes, well I just cant stop. And I justify this with my past depression. I mean whaaaaaat? Cmon nah. But the thing is I want to live my life to the fullest and since I am concentrating hard on working as much as I can while finishing my degree (and what a little bitch is has been this year!) and not traveling and whatnot as much, this gives me great pleasure. Gregs lucky I'm on this kick because I buy him shit all the time like I'm his sugar Mama or some shit. I'm buying him a dresser he wants for his BD because I am just THAT amazing. I mean I can't help it really. I have been waiting years to spoil and love a guy who in my eyes is perfection and sweet and understanding and caring and obbsessed w me n shiz so now the time has come. I've been waitin YO. I had a horrible week! When it rains it pours for sure, and telling my professors the TRUTH about southeast works not being an appropriate site for me to do my internship at was a bitch.

I need an internship with an ACTUAL CERTIFIED COUNSELOR on site, so I can actually counsel. And.. not be a caseload manager. Bc the last time I checked I had a little more talent than managing caseloads...? And I would like to pass my CRC which unless I have been sleeping the last 2 years idk how I couldnt...?? And then I want graduation to come, how weird it seems like the 4 years at Buff State flew and these past 2 years at UB dragged. I just want my degree you see then... I can move, far, far, away. Anywhere really! BC I will have the ticket to get the high-end job in any agency bc I wont be a MSC, MSW, or any other bullshit label that will pay nothing. I will be an excellent counselor and will be independent for the rest of my life and will kick asss and take names until my days are through. I will not work in an office. Oh no no no no. I will not work at a group home, I will not work for a public agency that makes no money. I will weasel my way in somewhere fantastic. I mean I passed stats what more is there to need to conquer??? Hhahaah ohhh that's funnnayyyy...

Also, I am psychic. I should make money bc I always have intuitions and when I have them enough to write it down somewhere or say it outloud it fucking comes true. I need to listen to the thoughts in my mind I tell myself not to listen to more often. Well, these arise in high anxiety situations. And I don't have to many of those now. What a month holy sheiiiiiiiiiiit. No regrets though, there is definitely never regret. :) It reminds me of the sex and the city episode... if I wouldnt have gotten divorced from trey I wouldnt have met harry... well if I wouldnt have lived with a drug dealer who got robbed and left the house I wouldnt have been "homeless" if I wasnt homeless I wouldnt have needed to crash at gregs and greg wouldnt be my cute little boyfriend so in retrospect lets hollar for a dollar. And lets hollar for Depew, ya??? :)

It makes me laugh when people I dont like continue to look worse and worse as the days go on. I know this is horrible and makes me in turn, a horrible person. But it is pretty much life's perfecto revenge. I'm @ work listening to some skitzophrenia in action. sweet sassssssy molasssssy!

im finally having moments ive alwayyyysss wanted!

This may sound silly, but about a month ago I went to the Albright Knox with my mom and her long time best friend Sharla, and my mom told me when they left Sharla said I really seemed happy. Usually I would say compliments along the lines of appearance feel the best, but exuberating a sense of happiness onto an adult who I havent seen in years but who watched me grow up is probably the best thing I could hear said about me. Sometimes I feel like I drown in my emotions and sensitivity and selfishness and all that SHIT. I'm working to better myself by keeping that as a part of my private life and feelings and not having that transfer onto others. When I do do it, I feel guilty. I think I used to not be aware of doing it and I'm glad I am not so I can be aware of myself. Introspection is a bitch! It's about grind time at school, I got my schedule made for the next to week, an excellent visual representation of my demise. JK! If I pass stats it will be a Merry Christmas indeed. I really dont believe he will fail anyone though... I wish it would all just end so I can finish the twilight saga for fucks sake! I never realized how far away south buffalo was before my boo started taking up all my weekend time driving to his damn house. Glad I just filled up my tank wit 28 dollars! God I remember putting 50 into it and almost crying at the gas station!! I really love my house and Beyonce's new album, as well as torrents, dogs, spending money on clothes instead of stupid weekend habits that are more depressing than uppers, and boots, scarves, and leggins. I just re-read this entry and I am a dumbass. POST!! baha

if i didnt have a laptop to bring with me to statistics class i dont know what i would do. i am not listening to a word jeffery fox is saying so why am i even here? that is a good question, self. i have awful cramps. the clicking of my keyboard is loud... i have so much shit to accomplish in the next 3 weeks. i hope jeffery fox is making a large curve for this class. i have guessed on all my quizzes and managed to guess more correctly than my classmates something that has never happened. i think the rehab counseling gods are on my side. yeah WE'LL SEE. if i actually graduate this may and receive a masters.. after stats, the comp, and the crc, it will be a miracle. holy freakin dog and.. halla for a dalla. i have been spending too much time at delavan.